I wonder whether
I make my own life a living hell. I know i have control over my own choices, but how much control do i have over the way others make their decisions? Did i do something to provoke you to say, or even do those things to me? Do i deserve it? What do i deserve? I wonder if i come off the way i intend to, even though i know the answer to this is usually a no. I’m too bitchy, i’m too loud, i judge people too quickly, and i don’t take the time out to hang out with everyone i’ve exchanged names with. I barely take the time to make time for my closest friends outside of school but that doesn’t mean they don’t mean anything less to me. The one and only person I gave over a year of my life to has hurt me just as much as he has made me happy. I’ve drifted the farthest from my parents than i have over my entire life. I am dependent on a future that i have dreamed out in my mind, without much to back it up. I want to be carefree and happy. I want to stop crying because my heart aches so badly. I have perfected how to set my emotions aside and pretend that i am okay because it is so much easier than facing everything that i need to confront in my life. It is a mess and i am a mess, but i know it will all come to an end. At some point, it has to stop raining and the clouds will clear and the sun will shine. It has to because it always has. That’s just the way it is. I’m just waiting.
